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Monday, April 14, 2014

This Killing Time....

Is Killing Me....

(Drinking myself blind.....) Well, no, not really.  Not really into the whole getting smashed thing, even when not growing babies, but the killing time part I TOTALLY get.

Thinking back, this isn't as bad as when I was pregnant with Kyle and stuck in an apartment with no friends, nothing to clean and no hobbies or when Jamie was out to sea for three month stretches and every single day felt like a week, but still....

This sucks.

This is my day.  Wake up.  Try to get out of bed without crying.  I snap, crackle and pop, keep my legs very tightly together and swing them over the side, gently touching my feet to the floor, hoping that TODAY I won't get that sharp shooting pain that feels like I'm the perfect candidate for a lawsuit against Tampax and their faulty "hide your ninja sword in a feminine product" line of products I know they'll market when the world goes all apocalyptic.  (TMI?  Maybe, but you laughed...admit it). I'm sorely (ha, pun intended) pretty much every morning as I rise to my feet, wondering how I have more than one child, then remembering this never happened with the first few.

I waddle to the facilities and wish I had slept just a little longer, but that doesn't happen these days.  It appears my body thinks 6 am is "sleeping in," but honestly once I'm a bit more awake, I'm grateful for the built in quiet.  I hobble my to rocking chair and pick up some knitting and think.  This quiet time is where I plan my day, my week, the stuff I need to do and create a mental (or physical) to do list that mostly doable.  I used to make my to do list at night, but right now, at bedtime, I'm pretty convinced I will never be able to move again, so putting anything on a list seems impossible.  There is fresh hope in the morning that is depleted by the end of the day.

Usually I am milking a goat by 8 am, but today the girls did it, which was nice.  At about 7, I gather what I need from books, any yarn crap not downstairs, some candy (for potty bribes.  We've settled on Dum Dum lollipops.  They are small and do minimal sugar damage...) and anything else I think I'll need and put everything near my little nest on the couch.

And I sit.

For stretches.  And I knit.  And I homeschool and I color, talk, drink coffee, watch videos, change diapers, and read books.  And I get up.  I walk around, I switch laundry, I check lists, and make sure dinner stuff is out and find small 15 minute cleaning tasks I can do, that ONLY I can do and then start the process all over again.

And time tick tocks away.  I talk to Jamie when he can talk and make lists and mentally prepare for all the things coming up.  I am so thankful for the big living room where the littles can happily play beside me and I'm thankful for my older children who can bring things, cook easy food and provide me some pretty good distraction through meaningful conversation.

It takes about two days of "moderation" for me to say "screw moderation" and tackle a project that takes a lot out of me, like cleaning the yard or scrubbing the floor on my hands and knees (okay, not really, more like on my arse, scooting around like a pre-crawling baby, with bowl, sponge and towel)  This morphs into me being up the rest of the day and the next, I pay the price, but even though it HURTS, I am not INJURED, so I just try to keep that in mind.

What does it feel like? feels've fallen from a two story building, directly onto a saw horse, with your legs open, your crotch getting the entire impact.  It's the weirdest thing to hurt in a place where you are usually pretty unaware of feeling anything.  Now, when Mr. Baby moves, especially his head, it's like....the Ninja Sword Tampon is doing the Macarena in your nether regions.  On some levels, I want to cry...on others I am just....intrigued by the weirdness of it all.  My back is starting to do that end of pregnancy thing where it starts to spasm at my tailbone and then goes all the way up to my midback and dear Lord, that hurts.  I lay down, I rock, I take baths and do pretty much whatever I can to get as comfortable as possible...but it's pretty much impossible....and I sleep with an obscene amount of pillows tucked all around me.  (I think Jamie is getting jealous of my intimate relationship with my fluffy nighttime companions.)  I swear this is the worst time yet, but Jamie reminds's really not.  I just can't believe I actually felt this before and didn't jump off the roof or perform some sort of sterilization surgery on myself...or something.....Okay, a bit dramatic, but damn.....I did this before?  Really?  Wow.  I am in awe of myself... ;)

But enough of the gloom and doom.  You get it.  This sucks for me.   It's bad.  I don't say that much, or didn't last time, but this time around I'm more like "Well, might as well not pretend..." and I think that comes a little more with age and not giving a crap what people think...because let me tell you what they think "If it's really THAT BAD, why on earth would you do this...why get pregnant KNOWING will be like this at the end."

Good question.  Why do people do ANYTHING?  Why do people kick their own tushes training for marathons?  For mountain climbing?  To get through medical school or perform a recital?  Why does anyone burn the candle at both ends to meet an important deadline or say no to sleep to get a huge task done?  Why do people fight deadly diseases knowing the cure will make them sicker than the disease in the short term?  Because, as Jamie taught me (this lovely phrase....LOVE IT!!)  "The juice is worth the squeeze..."

The end result of the suck is worth the endurance to get through it.  The end result of this particular suck is a human being.  I have approximately six weeks worth of increasingly bad suck to produce another living human.  That' okay with me.  Shoot, you know how many people go through months upon months of sheer agony to get a baby, whether that's through adoption or medical procedures to assist them?  Six weeks is nothing compared to all that (even though it technically does feel like six years....)

So right now we're tick tocking away.  Four weeks (I am thinking closer to three. I've done this a few times and I am pretty sure....I'm a week ahead of where "they" think I am)  Killing time.  Killing yarn (and my next blog post will highlight that. Y'all will think I'm nuts when I show what I finished last week.  I think I set some sort of weird yarn record...)

Besides this, do you know how good it feels when this suck goes away? It's like this lottery winning scenario.  I am handed the sweetest little creature...I can roll over in bed again...and my girly bits don't feel like they've been assaulted and I get that all in ONE DAY.  It's like magic.  It's what I'm looking forward to....what seems like a pipe dream now as I hobble around the house and glare at the chair that Rtwo inches out of place, making my life miserable and picturing myself as a T-rex trying to wipe his own butt when I try to do anything else (Me and switching laundry....there could be a SNL skit on this one simple domestic act.  Did you know it's almost impossible to get all the laundry out of the washer when you're 76 months pregnant???)

For now, I'll play with yarn, watch live streams that teach me stuff and hand my children the digital camera to prove they've done their stuff....

And wait for another day ;)


  1. I want you to know that I thoroughly enjoy your writing!!! You have such a gift with wording things and explaining them! :-) Your attitude reminds me of ME - hahaha!!! I have three teenagers, and always wanted MORE (and MORE and MORE!!!), but this was definitely God's plan for our family. I homeschool them (VERY relaxed), and just marvel at how they are really my favorite people in the whole world -- I don't really care to find "friends" -- I have sisters, my husband, and my kids! My HOME is my whole world (I know I'm weird), and I can't wait until my kids have girlfriends/boyfriends or spouses, so we can have MORE people in our little family!! :-)

    I guess I just finally, after months of reading your blog on and off, and reading your comments on Ravelry (that's how I found you! lol), wanted to reach out and connect with you. You have gone through some real trials, and the stories about your childhood make me hold back tears -- I want to reach back in time and hug that little girl and tell her what a TREASURE she is TO GOD, and that anyone who couldn't see that had a problem, it wasn't her/your problem!
    I am in awe of the amazing person you've turned out to be, in spite of so much working against you! Your humor and your VISION - the way you perceive things (like the yarn thread! Haha!!) - is so spot-on in so many situations you talk about!!
    Your post "Living with....Me" was so real, and you had such insight about what giving those things up REALLY meant! You could have been describing ME!!

    So I finally had to write to you! I wanted to email you, but I forgot how to find you on Ravelry, and there's no way to email from this blog, so I had to settle with a shortened version of what I wanted to say! :-)
    I wanted to tell you that I think you are a Kindred Spirit to me, and I think your thoughts and insights are BRILLIANT!!! I wish you great JOY with your family, and I think you are raising them in the BEST way, and you will not regret it when they are adults -- you will be able to see the fruit of your closeness and protection displayed as confident, caring, discerning people! So YOU GO GIRL!!!! :-D
    Just know that you have a cheerleader out here in blogland, and if you ever need ANY support or want to talk, feel free to email me!!!! :-) THANK YOU for a delightful, REAL blog! :-D

  2. Hi!!! Brilliant huh??? Well thank you. YOu know what? The other day I couldn't find a paint marker I REALLY needed...I mean I REALLY needed it...and my husband even looked through the trash...and couldn't find it, then the next day it was right there, on my dresser. BUT my dresser is an antique high boy AND the marker was on top of the stereo ON TOP of the dresser, (and yeah, the dresser was even clean) and I'll tell you I felt about as brilliant as a mushroom in that particular moment....So how do I find you?? My email is and I'm coffeybeanfamily on Rav and Melissa Klein Coffey on Facebook. Where did you find this blog from??

    1. Hahaha!! Ok, well, I said your INSIGHTS were brilliant --- YOU are definitely DISTRACTED.....but that's ok, I TOTALLY get it, believe me! I can walk from my bedroom down the hall (like, 17 feet) to the kids' rooms, put my keys down somewhere in between, and have absolutely NO memory of WHERE I PUT THEM!!!! This is 18 seconds later!! And I'm not even pregnant OR the mother of toddlers anymore (although, some days I think they ARE still toddlers! :-P)
      I have to give you kudos for the antique high boy dresser -- I have one too!!! :-D See, kindred spirits all the way! Oops, except mine is NOT, EVER!!

      I found your blog on Ravelry about 2 years ago, after following some of your comments there that I really connected with. I still bookmarked your blog but forgot about you (see "keys" above....) until I got this clean-my-computer-files urge two days ago (and I've got to go with those when they come, cuz it happens about twice a year), and found that bookmark again! (and promptly stopped cleaning my computer files)

      I will definitely email you!! :-D I'm not on Facebook (because I hate it, despite the peer pressure from my sisters!), but I have a blog, too!! Not nearly as deep as yours is.....mine is more about what fun I have making things and working on my house (I love the "Primitive" style.... *Sigh!*) .....although I must warn you that my blog has been rather sad and dark since the Fall (when I even posted), because my neighbor/friend and my beloved step-mom were both diagnosed with cancer, and I've been having a hard time dealing with it. But my last two posts were happy, and you can go back to my posts last summer and before, and they were mostly happy.
      OH! And I think you can just click my name in my comment to get there, because I replied through google.....right?? Wait.....YUP!!! :-D