Please and thank you.
So, my anniversary has come and gone. There was much anticipation about this day because the "surprise" lingered for days and weeks (it seemed.) There were hints and more hints and everyone was in on it but me....... and you know what?
I hated it. Hated it. Me and surprises? Nope. Hate them.
And I know it's odd, but to me surprises feel like a betrayal. Everyone is in on this thing that you are left out of and then you are supposed to be all happy and give just the right reaction when really you want to be like "Really? I had no input, no say so and I've said I hate surprises no less than a million times.....so really who is this for??"
Seriously, Jamie could come home and tell me that we're all going to Paris, everything arranged, all needs met, all cares attended to and my reaction would be? Fury.
I'm a horrible person. I know it.
My husband was trying to do something lovely for me. But he included other people in on its and left me out of it. To "surprise me" and my reaction was appropriate until I had to be honest the next day that it really hurt me to have communicated time and again that I hate being surprised and to have him, time and again, not listen.
However, all things that happen....yes, I analyze them to death and this was no different. I asked him to listen and we talked. I asked him to really think about why it was okay to gift someone something you have already been made aware they will not enjoy. In a relationship with two people if only one person enjoys what is happening (in any case) that's no longer a relationship. All things being equal who bears the burden to change? The person who is doing the thing the other person hates or the person who hates the thing being done? Is it my burden to get over it and/or lie about the thing, or his burden to not do it? I poured out my concerns that I was being unfair and unkind by not enjoying this surprise (or any surprises) because I recognized the intention as pure and good.....but with knowledge that something is unwanted, giving it to the person is really NOT a good and pure intention....it's actually quite selfish. He had a really good idea, one that he actually flubbed up because he didn't quite know how to execute ( I did) but instead of including me in it, he wanted the glory and the credit for doing it. He asked me how we could fix this from here on out and I explained that the idea was beautiful and I would have loved it if he had gotten the supplies for this idea, boxed them up, presented them as a gift and said "Let's do it together..."
No sneaking around and fussing at me to stay in the house. No people coming in and out while I sat and waited and they giggled because they knew something I didn't. I asked him to pray that if this was a pride issue on MY part it would be removed from me, but that if it was a pride issue on HIS part, the same would happen.
No surprises in my life have been good ones. I have clear issues with this and I could pinpoint where they manifested with ease. Mostly surrounding death and people not thinking I knew what I already knew, then sneaking around me, whispering so that I would hear them talking about things I knew they were talking about. Maybe this is why I've grown to value the truth, as hard as it is, as ugly as it is. I want the *truth* and "little white lies..." and "fibs" and "insert excuse for not telling the truth" piss me off hugely. The older I get the less I can tolerate being lied to. But I digress.
Also with age, I've gotten a little braver in exploring these things. Before I'd either be really mad at Jamie for "screwing up" or really mad at myself for being "mean.." But neither are true. I have a preference that I truly need to be honored to feel secure in our relationship and he has chosen to take that to heart and really see MY intentions aren't to be ungrateful (he has told me often he wishes he could find joy in the same simple things I do) but simply to be included. At the root of it all, I hate being left out and made to feel like I am not welcome. Surprises invoke that feeling in me.
So while I love that he loves me (thank goodness he loves me)....surprise me? Surprise me not.