It takes two to have a huge a$$ fight.
Seriously, this tune has been playing in my head all morning. I know, cheesy, but true.
Yesterday was HORRIBLE. Just horrible. I was fighting with husband. Or rather, discussing a fight we had in the middle of the night when my pent up rage, that I was trying to hold back until after Friday, unleashed itself on an unsuspecting husband long after we had both gone to bed.
What??? We FIGHT? Uhm, yes. Yes, we do. Wanna know what about? Too bad. That's private and it wouldn't make sense to anyone who doesn't know us. You'd hear the words and be like "Seriously? That's what you were arguing about? That's dumb.." But to us, it's not. That's because relationships have history and meaning and little things can become big before you know it and things that remain unresolved have a way of creeping back up demanding they be acknowledged and put to rest. Issues are like ghosts, that while we think are dead, are just lingering, waiting to be exorcised from our consciousness It's funny how we feel so pious when we choose to "forgive" or "let go" of something, not realizing how doing that offends our souls. If we are wronged, even slightly, it really does need to be acknowledged. Maybe not in a knock down drag out fight, but in a way that allows the other person to know what they've said or done has hurt us. We think we are taking the high road when we choose to ignore or even condone a behavior, but really it's selfish. We don't want the conflict, OR we gather those offenses like arrows, storing them up for the day when a full quiver can be unloaded into an unsuspecting target. Neither of those help the other person, or our relationship grow.
Anyhoo, I didn't intend to go all philosophical this morning ;) I wanted to discuss something else that sort of blows my mind. Something I recalled while I was wallowing in my misery yesterday. The thing that makes me want to tell people "Jamie and I are fighting and I am really sad and depressed about it" but gives me pause because no matter how mad I am at him, or he me, I will not throw him under the bus and paint him out to be some big jerk that is worthy of not only my wrath, but those of them who love me (Except for one person. She's totally allowed to acknowledge his jerkiness because she also tells me how wrong I am at times)
So I told someone a while ago. "I am mad at Jamie. He really crossed the line last night." And I got asked if he HIT me. What?? :) The intentions were pure, and I get that. My friend really was worried about me and I love that. But when say "crossed the line" I simply meant his language was sassy and I didn't appreciate it. He said I was "being bitchy." He didn't even call me that NAME, just said I was acting like that. (and he was right, but dude, it made me upset. We don't talk to each other like that)
It's hard when the whole world is so screwed up and you can't even be upset about a marital issue until it's that big. Does he HIT you? Did you find a secret stash of cocaine? Is he cheating on you with a transvestite he met while preaching on the street corner? Has he decided deodorant and toothpaste is against his religion??
No, no, no and ew.
We just fought. We said mean things to each other. We DID mean things to each other. And when you love each other, that really, really hurts. I don't function well with conflict. I don't like looking in the mirror knowing I very adequately defended myself, but did so at the cost of losing who I really am. I am not this mean, raging lunatic that says hurtful, nasty things. He is not the type to do anything that makes me feel unloved or mistreated. But we totally do go there and when we do we are both so miserable we can barely breathe. There's this vacuum created and it's so lonely. There are tears, and quietness, and talking about meaningless bullcrap when we REALLY just want to hug, and say sorry, and be okay with each other, yet we know it's not done. We're both too wounded to finish discussing that which hurt us both, but we know until we do, it's still there. There's a thorn in our paws that we know we have to get out, but we know that it will hurt when we do. And it sucks.
This is marriage. This is what happens when you live with someone for a long time and that someone knows you inside and out and can still step on your feet or your heart, or both. There are times when I want to throw in the towel, and say "I'm going to.....go Walmart for FIVE hours and turn off my cell and then...then you'll be sorry!!" (Or I could threaten worse not because I want anything like that, but because I'm pretty sure that after a big fight there is no going back to before...but love has a funny way of bouncing back when it's simple human nature, and not something really scary, that causes the rift)
Two nights ago, I was furious. Yesterday morning, I was super angry. In the afternoon, I was worn out and by the evening I was so sad I could barely function. We sat in the living room together, not really talking, him holding the baby, me crocheting. I laid the rug I was working on down to see how big it was and if it was flat and I heard him speak.....I had to ask him to repeat it. "You going to make it bigger?" "Yeah...I'm going to keep going for a while." "That's really pretty, it's turning out nice." Sigh. I still love him. He still loves me, I think and we'll be okay. Exhausted, but okay.
(I know this because I had a very vivid dream last night that I was pregnant. Surely that's a sign right??)
And we all know where babies come from ;)
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