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Friday, September 6, 2013

But Spiders Do It Gracefully

We have one...a spider, although I'm not sure if it's a he or a she, so we haven't officially called it Charlotte, yet and truth be known, I'd kind of like her...him..it...to go away.  But every  night it weaves this amazing web on the eve of our porch and catches an impressive amount of creepy crawly things, and so I have made peace with the one big "bug" taking care of so many others.

Have you ever watched a spider make it's web?  I mean really watched?  It is AMAZING.  I don't know how they can make something so perfectly, so fast, so often.  I really (although I stand back quite a bit) enjoy watching this.  It's a  beautiful thing indeed.

Not all webs are lovely, though, and this past week I've been entangled in one I never saw coming (Don't you hate that?? Walking along just fine and BAM you're stuck...EW)

So, it's pretty common knowledge that on Wednesday, Elijah's coop teacher expressed a concern over certain abilities and it really threw me for a loop because this particular thing is something I was quite certain he was absolutely fine in.  We have a conversation where I am sure I heard what was being said, but upon being confronted with the concerns I had with that conversation, the other party insists these things were not said.  Now, I can remember every single phone number from every place we've ever lived (military family to boot...be very impressed with this!!) and I have a memory that can recall very specific details about things long forgotten by most people...so that being said, I wasn't sure quite what to think when specific details I remembered were being denied.  It was extremely confusing.....

However, I do respect the intention and the position.  I did not like the way I was addressed, but in the end, let's get real...that's pride and there is no room for that in my life.  It's not a good quality to be so proud that you refuse to receive wisdom from someone who obviously cares about your child and so I did what I felt was best.  I explained my heart, a little bit about my life and I apologized for jumping the gun and over-reacting (because I do believe that I DID over-react to the INITIAL situation..but keep reading...)  It was my opinion that we obviously communicated very differently and what I heard and what she said could possibly be two different things....and what I said and SHE heard were definitely two different things, and so..in the end, let's just "bottom line it..." (as Shawndra always tells me) We are two people with the same goal and so to that end, I prefer to keep the peace.  I will learn and grow and change and be a better person, let's just all do the same.  All good, right?

Wrong.

Because if you tell me "I did NOT SAY THIS TO YOU. YOU MISUNDERSTOOD."  and then...you absolutely DID bring this information to someone else, word for word, then we have a problem.

How can two people hear something wrong, in two different locations at two different times....who did not communicate with each other before realizing something was very, very wrong.

It's not even WHAT was said that's the issue now.  Who cares?  That particular part of this is "pfft..." I'm over it now. We are already laughing about it and making jokes, so it really wasn't that horrible of a thing..

But this?

No.  I just can't.  I can't be told that I misunderstood and that nothing like what I THOUGHT I heard was said...and then find out it was shared with others.

I'm a person who values honesty and integrity above ALL ELSE.  I am talking...above friendship, association, camaraderie.  I will not lie to keep the peace...I will not pretend, even for a very DEAR friend, that a lie is the truth.  I am not person loyal, I am righteousness loyal.  My best friend of 16+ years will tell you that's how our friendship has thrived.  There is absolutely no b/s and no "backing each other up" if one of us is in the wrong.  We have a GODLY friendship.  We are each iron sharpening one another and neither one of us will tolerate the other living or breathing lies (and there have been rifts for just this reason..)  I just don't understand the need.  If you FEEL something, OWN it.  If you FEEL that a person has received that truth in the wrong way, sincerely apologize for that misunderstanding, but stick to your original thought.  If it was important enough to have it and share it, why on earth would you backtrack and deny it?  I simply can't understand this.

And I'm struggling with this.  A lot.  I have been counseled by some very wise people about how to handle this next time.  To assess the information being given to me, thank the person for the concern and move on.  That's it.  Move on.  I've been told that I really don't owe anyone outside of my family an explanation fruther than "We'll look into that..."  But herein lies the problem with me.....

I got home.  I had Eli read to me.  I had him write for me.  There was absolutely nothing amiss and I AM SO MAD at myself for giving this ONE THOUGHT because I know...and I knew, how well read his was.  He is always reading and writing (Lord, help his hand-writing...it's horrible) And that's where this should have stopped.  But in my mind, two things were coming into play #1-If I didn't say SOMETHING, and didn't call the doctor I was told to call (apparently I begged for this information.  I said "How can we fix this?  Where would we start with something like this?  I have never dealt with anything like this before"...now you tell me...if you had told a parent that you were concerned with a handwriting issue, would you give them the name of your doctor who does testing for disorders...or merely suggest a great handwriting curriculum or other muscle building skills?  I am still so lost as to how a person can stand by this story with that proof in my hand....sorry huge digression) that there would be some sort of feeling that I was "one of those parents who doesn't even think he has a problem...poor kid.  I felt like I had to say "Thank you but..." and explain my position....which in hindsight, I wish I didn't do because it accomplished about as much as taking a few good whacks at a hornet's nest....

And #2- And this is always my problem, with EVERYTHING...I will never be okay with any passivity on my part causing another person to experience that which I have just experienced.  I mean, in my mind, a line was crossed and if I didn't call attention to that line, how many more times would it continue to be crossed?  Because I do know it had been crossed before and because no one said "HEY, here's this line...be careful of it..." I had to experience it.  I just can't be that person.

And so...I'm angry.  I really am.  I am being painted (somewhat) as a parent who has blown something out of proportion (I'm okay with admitting that...but I am also not going to feel badly about that.  They are my children, I would rather over-react than under-react...)  but worse than that..

When there are two stories,...only ONE can be true.  It can't be that both are somewhat true. Not in a situation like this.  It really is black and white.  Thing is, I know it's not me because I know what I heard.  And even if I had some sort of mental lapse or delusion...it was said to someone else I trust very, very much.

And so, with every denial that this stupid thing was said, the only logical conclusion..

Is that *I* am the liar.  I made this entire thing up.  What I heard with my (fully functioning) ears was absolutely inaccurate and how dare I throw out such ridiculous accusations...

But why?  Why on Earth would I choose to tell a lie about someone I barely know?  What possible gain can come from my initiating a conflict that had me so shaken up I considered quitting something that is precious to me...and my children.  All I can assume is that the other party has their own experiences tucked away in their brain space that creates the idea that this is a real possibility.  That people would LIE about them and that this time around, it's ME.

But it's not.  I have no reason.  I have every reason to wish I handled it differently, absolutely, but I get so mad at how it tends to fall on me to be that bigger person, to admit my part and then for the other party involved in a conflict to become so self-righteous, defensive and angry that they never get to the part where they acknowledge that HAD TO HAVE HAD some part in the conflict.

And so I'm left with this feeling like a deflated balloon coming back down to solid ground, so disappointed that gravity, while thwarted for a brief moment in time, will eventually show itself.

I thought there would be this age where I'd be surrounded by people who were always on the lookout for personal growth....for spiritual growth...and these types of reality checks weren't a part of the game anymore.  I believed, that with age, finer and deeper people would come into my life and I would eventually stop being reminded that not all people value the things I value...

Some value a long friendship over standing up for the truth and what is right, for fear of losing a friendship, even though a frienship should never ask a person to lie.
Some value being right rather than admitting they could be wrong
Some value being in a position of authority, whether granted or self-inflicted and will not be okay if you question it, even when questioning it might just make them a better leaser

I'm not going to pretend I know the mind of anyone else.  I know when there is a conflict, everyone within it is affected and will act according to how much a stake they have in the outcome.

Me?  I backed up and apologized for my part, and honestly, right after becoming aware that there was some lying going on, I wanted to take it back.  To say I'm NOT SORRY....how could *I* be sorry when that apology was based on the possibility that maybe you DID NOT say this thing..and you actually DID SAY it, hand-down, no way you are going to make anyone believe you didnt...

But the truth is, in the end, I AM still sorry because even though I am really mad and I will never be okay with this...I AM sorry if I hurt, offended or angered anyone.  I AM sorry that I allowed my pride and shock to dictate my reaction.  I AM sorry that I ranted on Facebook FIRST as I was trying to decide what move to take next.  All of these things...the things I did wrong, I am absolutely sorry for.  I don't believe the lie told against me, or my anger about it, provides any justification, whatsoever, if I acted inappropriately in the situation.  Now, I've been told that my reaction was *understandable* ...that others would have reacted the same way, I still don't take comfort in that.  I should have acted differently period and I have to live with that.

And I have to live with the fact that I can't change anyone.  Anyone at all.  I can just be the best possible version of myself and mold my children, to the best of my ability, to do the same.  In the end, and there will be an end....God knows what ALL of us in this situation did or didn't do.  He isn't convinced by vague recollections of who said what to whom...He knows our hearts and our intentions, and even if we WIN here by lying, gossiping and wagging our tongues to get people over to our side, we haven't WON anything....This I DO take comfort in.   God doesn't listen to gossip, hearsay or white noise.  He simply hears and see the truth...

The truth.

Even if no one else knows it...

He does.

And that's good enough for me!


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