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Thursday, May 1, 2014

Like They Do in Prison....

Y'all want to hear something incredible?  I'm 36 in a few months and I have never once had a speeding ticket (or any other kind of ticket, which I am pretty sure they give out for other random dumbass stuff people do in cars, but since I'm such a good driver, I am not entirely sure what all you can get these for....)

And now....I'll probably get one, but I digress.

I think the entire idea behind breaking the law and losing your freedom has always intrigued me somewhat.  It's like you lose the right to be a person when you've been naughty in the eyes of the law and quite frankly, as independent as I am, this concept terrifies me.

Yet...I've been pregnant 9 times now and it seems there are some parallels that people don't tend to talk about.  Once you start growing another human, your own humanity gets shoved a little to the left (or right I guess, if you're left-handed) and you start to become very conditioned in giving up your rights for those of another....and maybe that's not entirely a bad thing because parenthood is full of these types of sacrifices.

However, there's a huge difference between having half your dinner picked at by a toddler and feeling violated while you gestate another human being.  Some things that women go through while pregnant are just so routine that we never really ask why....and yet...we should.  We really should because the experience really is formative as we enter into motherhood.

I've experienced the good, the bad and the ugly when it comes to childbirth and it's taken so many years to finally get to a point where I can talk about why I feel the way I do about the things I feel strongly about.....but even after getting to this point, I still feel somewhat under-confident in actually....really....and truthfully...."putting my foot down..."

Today.

Today I had to call my doctor's office because I have a weekly check-up, which was honestly scheduled on a bad day anyways.  I was going on Fridays because that is the ONLY day Jamie really can take me and he wants to be there and at this point whether or not he wants to be there is moot because I cannot drive myself. So we moved heaven and earth to make a Thursday appointment and then last night, as I turned over in bed.....CRUNCH.  Oh my God.  Can you GET a Charlie horse in your BACK?  I couldn't move.  And so I got up this morning like "Shit, really?"  I sat on this stupid massage thing I bought a few weeks ago, hoping it would help but everytime the buzzing thing hit a certain point, the muscles went into full on spasm.  I have thrown something out.  And so I needed to get into the chiropractor TODAY, but....I have an appointment at the doctor and unfortunately I cannot duplicate myself.  (Which by the way, I knew where I was going and then remembered I flippin hated this guy last time.....and now I need to find someone else after having already cancelled my appointment....and I cannot even get that appointment made because my phone went dead....I cannot get my shit together to save my life these days....totally not like me..)

Again, I digress.

So I call and ask if I need to reschedule this appointment or just show up for induction if we are doing that and I'm put on hold and The Good Doctor gets on the line and asks what I've done to throw my back out.  I wish it were something awesome like....well....nevermind (wink) but Jamie was asleep when it happened so I have no wonderful excuse (and y'all know me, I wouldn't tell you anyways.  I'll let the fact that we are still having children speak for itself in terms of how satisfying my romantic life is...) And he asks "You going to let me check your cervix..." and I say "Why?" because honestly I don't have a clue why this is routine (more on that later) and he laughs (he laughs a lot...Jamie just loves him) and then....the social filter...which is completely gone now...just completely implodes and I admit, I've been planning THIS blog for a bit now.  I say "I've actually been planning to write a blog about routine cavity searches in late pregnancy..." OH MY GAWD.  I said that.  OUT LOUD. "Cavity searches....." You know, like they do in prison.  Clearly, I've lost my mind.  But in some ways...maybe I haven't because I've been thinking about this A LOT and here's what I do not understand.....

Why?  What is the point of this routine thing that's done at the end of pregnancy?  So I thought back to my first few children and realized at one point, this kind of check was reassuring.  My body was doing something.  Towards the end, the doctor can tell you that you are "softening up..." or even dilating and I think when you feel like it will never, ever end it's good to hear that it can....it will...it's already coming to a close.

The thing is, I just don't need that kind of reassurance anymore.  It really doesn't matter what my cervix feels like today.  I am not having regular contractions. I am not having ANY signs of imminent labor, so really whatever is going on in there isn't something I need to know.  Nor does anyone else.  It's information for information's sake and I honestly don't see the point.  Everything in that area of my body is in such excruciating pain that I see avoiding those checks as self-preservation.

And then there's that elephant in the room that no one mentions.....your cervix is internal, as in, inside your vagina.  To be as blunt as possible, I do not, nor will I ever want that area touched unless absolutely necessary by anyone....that's not Jamie.  Necessary being for tests that tell me I don't have cancer or you know...a baby coming OUT, not "to see what's going on in there..."  Like, seriously my brain cannot even begin to make sense as to why most women just see this as routine and okay.  It's like that story about the girl who always cuts the end off her rump roast before putting it in the pan and her husband asks why...and she doesn't know....just the way she saw her Mom do it.  So the husband asks the mother why she does that and she....doesn't know...just the way HER mom did it.  So they ask the grandmother and she answers "Well I did that because my pan was so small, a big roast never would fit...."  We do things and accept things as they way they've always been done and never really ask why...but now in my old age and wisdom, I simply want to know...."Why?"  And when that question is answered "Just to see..." it's just not good enough.

I'm not crazy, or a prude, or some sort of medical anarchist.  But I am a lady.  And I feel like taking my pants or skirt off, then my underwear....wrapping myself in a sheet and waiting for someone to exam me internally....better be life or death (Life=birth, death=pap smear)

And so, I worry, of course....that I've crossed that line (cavity search may have been too...uhm...what's the word I'm looking for here?  I'm at a loss) but the good news is, the doctor wasn't present my first visit when they did my first ultrasound and I pretty much said that since I didn't play with plastic sex toys at home, I certainly wasn't allowing them to probe me with one in the office.  Yeah, I did.  Sorry to all those who really want those early ultrasounds.  Again, I don't see the point.  Either the baby is doing well or it's not and seeing that on a screen makes no difference in the outcome.  Unless they can DO something about the outcome, I just really don't see the point (again, unless we are talking life and death, I do understand there are exceptions, but a good look at the numbers will tell you how remote the need is for such things)

I suppose I should be long passed (past) the worry that I'll look weird though right? I mean I've already crossed THAT line many times over and well, people still like me, so there's that...

And speaking of which, I promised that my NEXT blog would be about yarn things, and I promise, I'm getting there.  I just had a lot to say (nah, really?) and lots of pictures to take....and then, well, there's that weird thing again because the amount of crap I've cranked out in the past few weeks is a little disturbing (As an aside, I cannot believe they do not have a Project Linus chapter here!  Need to do a little re-configuring on my charity aspirations.  I know there are a LOT of good ones, but being local is really important to me, because well....I live HERE and I want to make a difference where I am....)

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