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Friday, February 22, 2013

I'm A Mess

I admit.  I'm a crazy mess.  I feel like a bomb (not the kind that kills, more like a confetti bomb) has gone off in my head and I'm all over the place.

Been writing.  Been getting sick of writing.  Not sick of adding to the family coffers even though it's not truly necessary.  I did buy a gorgeous bunch of fabric with my last little payment and am looking forward to playing with it, but....

My sewing machine needs to go to the doctor and my washing machine just needs to go to the graveyard, which makes the entire process more challenging than it needs to be.  And that sort of applies to my entire life right now.

I explain it to Jamie that it feels like I'm camping in my own house. Everything is out of sorts and out of place and ugly and I have no idea where to even start.

We are making huge amounts of progress in our house, but it's all backwards.  The more we get done, the more undone our house looks.  HGTV is such a liar.  You know how they tear crap up in like half hour and then bam, a finished room...Oh if it were only that easy.

We tear down walls, put up new, and then stare at blank canvas, not sure what it wants to be.  We are building the footprint (we, ha...Jamie...but I'm part of the visionary process) but then we're out of time and out of money and out of inspiration to finish it out.  Or, I'm waiting for the space to tell me what it wants to be and what purpose it will serve and how it should be decorated and arranged to be more than a place to display pretty things.  My house is not a museum and I never wanted that, but I do have a hard time with functional things sticking out (coughstereocough) and I realize that without that piece of important equipment, the entire room would be nonfunctional.  And I'm lost as to what to put where and how to arrange it and what colors to bring in and I swear if I ever had to build a house from scratch and like pick out everything from faucets to counter colors all at one time, I'd lose my flippin mind.  So I'm glad the process is slow, but not....Does that even make sense?

We haven't planted our fruit trees yet as the weather has been terrible, and our baby tomatoes might be experiencing an untimely death and we can't figure out why.

And I'm planning a huge party.  And my house will still suck when the party happens.  And I kind of don't care because there will be people and food and fun and laughter.  Maybe I AM learning something ;)

I've also started threeish new projects with yarn.  But who's counting?

Sigh. Breathe. Repeat.

10 Things I'm Ecstatic About:

1. I saw my son help his girlfriend into our van, like it was nothing.  Like it was what all 15 year old boys do, holding out a hand, making sure she got in okay and I saw his father in him and I knew....He's going to be a good man.  He makes me happy.

2. My daughter, my super shy, super sweet almost teenager is FUNNY.  Her sense of humor, even poking a bit of fun at herself (in a healthy, funny way), is shining through and I know, she's going to be okay.  Even if she did spent half the Vday dance in the corner, she said it was "fun" and that makes me happy.

3. My hellion with the wild spirit and sassy mouth asked me, "Momma is there anything I can do for you?" and she softened up quite a bit yesterday when she got a letter from her penpal.  We butt heads a lot...because she is me.  I have to remember this.  She just wants to be sure that she is heard, seen and loved and the more I pour into her, the more she has to give.  Yes, she drives me crazy some days, but I can see that just around the corner, I have a girl that's going to do great things ;)  I'm also just slightly proud of the fact that she is helping another girl come out of her shell a bit, in a friendship that is just precious to watch.  Her strong qualities that can be quite abrasive are the very qualities that are bringing out the best in her friend.  It works.

4. Middle son is playing the banjo.  He is actually playing a musical instrument and it's like I have NO idea how a child of mine can be musical and like it.  When you see your child do something that is so beyond what you can do, it sort of blows your mind.  He also made the best French toast ever this morning.  Go homeschool!!!

5. Miss Maam is playing guitar.  She got Calla's tiny one and she's making up songs like 'You have to love your faaaammmmmillllyyyyy because they are spppppeeecccciiiiialllll." And I have to try really hard not to laugh because she thinks all laughter is mocking, which I don't quite understand, but I trying to protect her spirit (Its SO hard when she says REALLY funny things!)  Yesterday she admonished the older children to be quiet because they were breaking her brain.

6. Noah didn't break anything the other day.  This is a miracle.  I allowed him outside to wait for the UPS with the "guys" and I made sure the gate was secure and the car wasn't here, so he couldn't climb on it.  All good, all safe, right?  No.  He climbed ON TOP OF the 15 passenger van.  And was jumping.  On top.  I have no words other than "Thank you Lord."  I just don't even try to understand.  How is it that I got to child #6 without all the possible scenarios already eeked out in my mind?  He challenges me.  Such a good kid, but man, I've earned these grey hairs!! ;)

7. Roo :) She's trying to crawl and saying "Dadadadada."  Drooling all over everything and breaking my heart with her smile every day.  She's squishy and sweet and what would I do without her?  She has everyone in this family wrapped and I look at her and think "You have 8 people who think the world of you..." and I wonder what it's like to be the baby in a crazy family like this.  She will never know loneliness and never wonder if she's loved, or wanted....I am so happy she exists.

8. I miss my husband.  Yeah, not something to be "happy" about, but it is.  He's had a lot on his plate and when he's not fully there, I miss him.  He's had a lot to share with lately about his life, his goals and most importantly his work/life balance.  He's a keeper ;)

9. Yarn.  Because I have new yarn (Shut up, Kelli) and I am working on something in grown up colors and I love it.  For SO many  years I could not figure out the granny square thing, and since I know how now, I'm kind of obsessed.  It's something I can do while I talk, do math, read, and anything else.  I am happy to know that I could knit or crochet blind now ;)  I've got mad skillz!!

10. The aforementiond sewing machine/washing machine dilemma is being fixed soon.  My washing machine was purchased in 2006 and we've used it hard and it's time for it to be put to rest.  Other girls may dream about diamonds and furs (ew, really?  You think people really still ogle dead things? I don't know...) but this girl gets a little woozy and heady over new appliances ;)

Very busy weekend.  Running. Shopping. Playing with toxic fumey chemicals and planting trees, while trying to put some pictures on pretty paper for Roo and Noah's scrapbooks.  I am so behind.  Such is life.
New bucket list item:

I will make this someday. I won't start this today.  I won't.  I wonder if...Oh never mind.  Maybe I will ;)  Ha!

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