I've got a friend that shares my faith, and my sense of humor, and that's a rare thing. I can't even remember what we were talking about exactly when the words "Yeah, that whole 'Jesus is my boyfriend thing' came tumbling out of her mouth and I just laughed. Every time I think about this...like just in random moments of being exasperated about something, I will think about this and crack up. I actually got Noah all riled up one evening as I was laying in bed with him, doing our nightly cuddle, thought about it...and just started laughing. It didn't help that she texted me a picture of a "Jesus is my BFF" shirt either. No, we aren't being unholy, we are laughing at the surface stupidity that people replace a real relationship with God with. It's like being "Facebook official" Everyone KNOWS you like that dude, but you only interact on Facebook or text, so how real is it? I'm sure you know what I mean. Having a Jesus and me BFF charm isn't going to do you much good if that's all ya got....
I love God. He loves me. We've got that down. I also love to grow in knowledge and wisdom, so yeah, my bookshelves are packed with, you know. GOOD CHRISTIAN How-to manuals...(just as a side note,I totally mistyped that at first. My blog almost read hoe-to-manuals, and yeah...that's kind of funny all things considered)
And let me tell you...
I am FED UP. I am DONE. I am so flipping sick of the call for Christians to basically "Get your shit together so you can be a better witness." Really? To who? Martha Stewart? News flash, just because I'm a Christian doesn't mean I have my shiz together more than anyone else on the planet. The pressure to play a part...to look a part..is crushing, suffocating, demoralizing....and NOT CHRISTIAN. I just read about the need for a Christian woman to practice "good self-control." I am just reeling at this. On the surface, that looks awesome doesn't it? I mean, self-control is a good quality. It IS something we should strive for, but y'all being a Christian is not about getting to a good place to please God. It's about asking HIM to HELP us get there. It's about the gut-wrenching realization you aren't going to get "good enough" in order to make God throw you a "Good For You" party. That has never been, and never will be, the point. We are like little pitchers and we aren't supposed to change up the water for lemonade, bit by bit. We're supposed to pour out a bit of us and replace it with a bit of him, little by little, as we allow Him to creep into every area of our hearts. It's a submission, not really an action on our parts....and yet, all these Christian Lifestyle books read like Chilton's manuals. Do this, and then do this...a good Christian is organized and cheerful, and has her laundry caught up and bakes bread and earns an income from a vineyard that she sits in while she spins wool and flax and wears purple.
Then you apply this to parenting and you know what? You might as well just throw in the towel because nothing you do will ever be righteous enough to please the "Good Christian Parenting" experts. Why? Because your children are GOING TO STUMBLE. They are HUMAN. Yes, we can guide them and teach them and walk and talk and preach and practice and all that good stuff, but I'm telling you right now I'd rather see a child in humble submission after committing a sin then pretending it never happened or backpacking on my faith until they are old enough to "know better" and then falling down so hard and with such injury that they never want to try it on their own.
I have absolutely no idea why Christianity is such a business. Why there is book after book after book telling you how to do it. How to look it, how to be it or at least play the part. It's absolutely maddening. The more I dig in deep with my Bible, the less appealing all the "How to" white noise becomes. It used to be my main reading material and I have to tell you I think that really messed up my relationship with God. I felt like I surely wasn't doing something right if I wasn't the perfect homemaker, at the perfect weight, with the perfect hair, and the perfect schedule, and hated, (HATED) sewing my own clothes, or using coupons, or whatever else was expected of me. I was less inclined to bless my husband FOR REAL, and more inclined to do only the things that the world could see (and let's face it...the biggest blessing for a man isn't something ANYONE else should see.. you know what I mean?)
All I can say, is that I'm tired. Not of my faith. The deeper I go...the longer I live...the more in love with God I am (He's not my boyfriend yet though. He's not on Facebook yet, so it just can't happen...) But the further up and further in I go..it's so apparent how much of Churchianity is so deeply ingrained in our culture, our society and our people.
All I know is this train ain't rolling through here no more. If I am reading something that makes me feel AT ALL like I need to do something better...without asking me to submit that "thing" to God, for HIS direction, and HIS guidance....If it doesn't ask me to pray about something before making this move....forget it. I'm dumping that sucker in the trash. Because I'm tired...just so tired of it all.
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