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Thursday, January 10, 2013

But what does she DO?

My husband got asked this recently....

"So what does Melissa do?"  I mean it's not like SHE has a job.  Just children, and a house, and animals.  I mean what exactly does a lazy bum with nothing real to account to everyday actually DO?  I suppose it's a valid question.  I mean without a paycheck at the end of the week to show I've actually DONE something (oh wait, my husband, the sole breadwinner for our family gets such a paycheck and does absolutely freaking NOTHING right now to earn it...but I digress) it's hard to actually pinpoint where my hours are spent.  I guess I could make a list of every single thing I do from the time I wake up, to the time I go to bed, but that would probably be the most boring list ever.  So I'm jazzing it up a bit and comparing that which I WANT to do, as opposed to what I actually do.  Because it's more fun. And absolutely heroic....

When I want to roll over and go back to sleep, mainly because I haven't slept 2 consecutive hours in the past 14 years...I get up.

When I want to stay in comfy jammies and allow my mammary glands to flop freely in the wind....I get real clothes on, including a bra.

When I want to pour high-fructose corn syrup in yummy flavors into my morning coffee....I use Stevia and real cream.

When I want to pour a giant bowl of Reese's Puffs cereral, not once, but twice.....I crack open two farm fresh eggs and skip the toast.

When I want to bring my steaming cup of coffee to the computer and play on Facebook and Ravelry for the rest of the day.....I tear myself away after a very brief 30 minutes and do real stuff instead.  Stuff like...

Change all the diapers. Change all the clothes.  Clip all the nails and wash all the hair.

Check all the chores, feed all the mouths (including animals), wash all the clothes, clean all the floors, educate all the children and pass up all the sweets.

When I want to open a book for pleasure reading....I open up a phonics book and sit through the fifth incarnation of a bright-eyed developing reader, decoding words for the first time.

When I want to build a ginmourmous paper mache replica of an Egyptian pyramid for my "Awesome Homeschooling Mother" badge, I settle for reading about the lives of the Pharaohs, gently allowing myself to be a REAL mom instead of THAT mom who does all those cool things (or only did it once and plastered it all over Facebook as if it's a normal daily occurence)

When I want to send my teenage boy out to work with the prison buss, to pick up garbage on the side of the road....I gently remind him that his "job" right now is school and if it were a real job, he'd be fired.  If his "job" were video games, he'd be a CEO somewhere.

I do English language stuff, and science stuff, and history stuff, and ethical behavior lecture stuff.

And then I switch laundry again.  And remove three different shirts from the ninja toddler to get him in his second bath of the day, for reasons either having to do with poop or playing snow angel in the pile of hot dog condiments he has poured all over the kitchen floor.

When I want to take a nap, I stay awake and read 30 board books, fighting to turn each page because the toddler doesn't like change.

When I want to turn on a mindless TV show and settle into Zen-like knitting, I color in a My Little Pony coloring book and listen to who each Pony is and what color they should REALLY be.

When I desperately want to order pizza, or Chinese....I cook something with hamburger and mentally calculate how many paper plates we have left until payday and despise the fact that we no longer have REAL plates because they've all been broken.

When I want to call it a night, I stay awake some more, listen to Bible study on CD and beg God (it's a good  time for begging...during Bible study) to inspire my children to do their evening chores quickly tonight, instead of stretching out the quick 20 minute clean-up to two hours, just barely getting it done before bedtime.

When I want to go straight to sleep at that magic hour, I nurse a baby, pass her off to the husband, and will her to sleep.

When I want to put her in the crib so that I can really stretch out and sleep in whatever position I please, I cuddle her next to me, not wanting to risk the uncomfortable sleep I may get by waking her up when moving her body to the baby bed right next.

And when I want to nod off quickly to sleepy land, instead I think of the million things I needed to do that day, that didn't get accomplished and try to formulate a plan for tomorrow that will ensure I DO get ALL THE THINGS done.


When I want to roll over.....

And it begins again ;)  That's what I do.


  1. Sounds familiar, minus 6 kids... ;)

  2. Oh my goodness. I am cracking up and I can so relate to everything you just said.

    PS Thx for your input regarding grammar!

  3. You are very welcome ;) Homeschooling is scary and hard and AMAZING :) I am so nervous when I "meet" someone new because I'm not as sweet as most people. My mouth is horrible. But I'm nice, I promise :) Just a little sassy!