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Tuesday, November 20, 2012

I'm Not Saying Jesus Got Sloshed....

I have this look about me.  Well, when I'm perplexed, befuddled, get the idea.  Usually when this comes on, I don't have a mirror handy to inspect myself and I'm not exactly sure what it looks like to the outside world, but I'm thinking it's something like:

My children concur.  This is my face when something I have heard or seen is just completely baffling to me.  Very often, it's what I look like when hearing religious commentary.  There are many eggs in this basket I'd like to crack, but today I simply have to focus on one that has me particularly confused.

"Jesus didn't turn the water into wine, he turned it into grapejuice....."

And THEN my friends, he poured that wine into neat little plastic pitchers and placed those pitchers into his handy Fridgeadaire, you know, to prevent the almost *immediate* process of fermentation (starting) that happens when juice from fruit is exposed to the natural elements???  Right??

(As a side note, I will never forget the look on this girls face as she went to take a swig of her apple juice, at band camp, after the jug had been sitting in the sun for a couple hours.  It was no longer juicy and sweet, but already morphing into apple wine.  She should have been suspended for such immoral behavior.  Sheesh.)

This is one of those things that has me reeling.  Come on people. Do we really want to portray ourselves, Christians, as complete morons without a lick of scientific sense?  Cause if that's the plan we're doing a REALLY good job.  Every bit of conventional knowledge completely smacks this little diddy down, hard core. 

So here's the thing.  In today's culture, alcohol is portrayed as something kind of bad, kind of edgy, kind of crazy-inducing.  This is only partly true.  Yes, people drink to excess, get drunk and wind up loving someone they would have ran away from in their sober state and this is, well, bad.  It's bad for your body, bad for your mind and bad for your conscience, if you have one.  However, numerous studies have shown the benefits on the human body from injesting a moderate amount of fermented liquid.  I'm not talking rotten corn mash, distilled, I'm simply talking about a process that happens to all fruit without outside cooling devices taking center stage.  Juice doesn't stay juice for long at all.  It's just common sense. It's not a difficult concept to embrace.

And what really chaps my ass is how these HUGE fat guys will preach this.  Wine is bad.  It's bad in any form, in any amount, and you're certainly going to be dining with the Devil if your meal includes a glass of Chardonnay.  They forget one little word: excess.  Too much.  Too much of ANYTHING is bad and that's a biblical concept as well.  But these guys didn't reach into the realm of obesity by practicing sensible eating.  They ate to excess.  But food isn't bad right?  Five Big Macs and a triple order of fries with a Diet Coke isn't sinful at all, because it's FOOD.  (Ever notice people that order a lot of crap food get a diet coke with it?  I mean what's that about?  If you're going to go down to heart attack lane, at least go down without a nasty after-taste....why stop now.  Sugar it up baby!!)  I just want to scream "Dude, your freaking OBESE.  What about gluttony???  How is one glass of wine with a meal worse than eating your weight in drive-thru burgers like three times a day???"  I don't get it.  I mean I simply cannot wrap my mind around the total disconnect these people have between what they abstain from and what they freely choose.  The kicker is, they completely make it a salvation issue on top of it being a social issue.  Because that's WJWD right?  (Okay, I reconfigured the letters for my own selfish purposes. I do realize the bracelets say WWJD....I don't own one because I already know Jesus would not scream at his followers "WHY IS THERE PEANUT BUTTER ON THE FREAKING CEILING??" and I have too much guilt to be constantly reminded of how much I suck when it comes to what Jesus, himself, would do)

There are times, as a Christian woman, I offer up a little prayer for these types of people...and hopefully it's not irreverent, as I have to believe  God gave me my sense of humor for a reason...

"Dear Lord, forgive them, for they know not how absolutely completely moronic they are.  Forgive them for changing your word to suit their purposes and for climbing onto a soapbox with every moral ephiphany that comes to them.  Forgive them their judgement on others and lack of it for themselves, and please God, could you give me a small break from having to see, hear or interact with these people for at least 24 hours.  My logic chip got all smoked out trying to process this and I need a bit of time to recuperate before the next attack on my sensibilities.  In Jesus name, Amen."

Now I'm off to gather some recipes for breaded fishsticks and honey yeast rolls, because when Jesus fed the masses fish and loaves of bread, he REALLY actually fed them frozen fish sticks and big fat yeast rolls.  With juice. 



  1. You aren't the only one who gets confused. This is a link to the paper my husband wrote his senior year of college that shows the many ways Christians are inconsistent in their views on alcohol.
    Alcohol and Christians

  2. Woah!! That was long, but powerful. I just copied and pasted this:

    "biblical support for abstinence came after the public demand for abstinence"

    Jaw dropped on that one because you could plug in any number of social issues in place of the word abstinence....So much of what we accept as "Biblical" is new-age, digging through the Word to support a pre-conceived notion and wanting to believe it's what God would have you do. Very interesting topic indeed.

    1. that is a very worst kind of biblical interpretation possible. we started a new curriculum at church on Sunday morning, called the gospel project and it's goal is to teach how to think about the Bible properly, among other things. I'm not sure it's going to change some Southern Baptists mind about alcohol ( since it is Southern Baptist curriculum), but atleast we'll all have a better understanding of biblical theology. NAK