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Saturday, November 3, 2012

Top Ten Stupid Remarks I've Stopped Trying To Defend

I love top ten lists.  I will most likely post them with annoying frequency, but it's my blog, so I can do whatever I want, right?

So these are my "Top Ten Stupid Remarks I've Stopped Trying To Defend"- Crazy Amount Of Kids Edition.

10. What???? You're Pregnant Again??  Sex Addict!!
Yes, really.  I really did get this comment once. I think it was baby number 4.  Wow.  Well, number one, we all know it takes only one time to get pregnant, so the whole addict thing is a bit reaching. I mean, that's like saying "Lunch??? You ate lunch??  Are you addicted to food?" There are just certain things you do regularly and one of those things can result in a baby.  No addiction necessary. Although I will point out that we actually have nicknames for our children that would dispel this little diddy.  Oldest is BC1, next oldest is BC2, etc, etc.  BC in this case stands for birth control.  Turns out when you have a lot of results from that certain activity, it becomes a bit harder to DO that activity and therefore, when you can, in fact, do that activity it's pretty darn nice. I will not be joining Sex Addicts Anonymous anytime soon, but thank you for the concern.

9. Don't you know what causes that?? (Other variations include, "Don't You Have A TV? Don't you know that can be for pleasure, not just business?" and so on)  Uh, yeah, I know what causes it.  Apparently I'm addicted to it and need an intervention, but I will say if pushing something the size of a baby out of something quite a bit smaller doesn't give me the jolt I need to stop my shenanigans, there's probably no hope for someone like me. 

8. I just don't understand how you do it, you know, financially. Wow.  Okay.  Well, we just figured that if child labor was okay everywhere else, we'd take a whack at it. If you or anyone you know is interested in some fine handcrafted soccer balls or faux leather purses, give me a holler.  I might know someone who could give you a really great deal.

Simple answer is, number one God takes care of our needs.  Always. Which leads to the secondary answer, my  husband worked his tush off to get a degree that translated into a lucrative career.  It was planned and executed based on his passions and abilities, and it just boils down to the fact that his job pays well.  Very well.  As a matter of fact, I fully expect us to be paying less in taxes sometime in the near future, and piggish me will probably not volunteer to be taxed at a higher rate.  Selfish, selfish person I am.

7. But the older ones raise the younger ones. Until the older ones can successfully take care of their animals without a reminder from the adults in the house, we will not be giving them any of our younger children to raise.  When they do advance in maturity and responsibility, that's the plan.  That's been the goal all along.  I mean why would we have so many if we thought we'd be raising them ourselves?  There was a wrench thrown into our diabolical intentions when we got to child 7 and realized none of the older ones were capable yet of caring for a small child.  It was then we realized this plan wasn't well thought out and now we were stuck taking care of all these kids by ourselves.  Shit.  Guess we'd better start raising them now.  (And as a side note, we did get them some dogs, thinking they might help.  Turns out all those stories of children being raised by wolves does not translate well when you replace wolf with mutt.  I think you actually need a really real wolf to pull this off, but we were concerned about the chickens, so we never actually got around to trying the wolf scenario)

6. With so many children, you can't possibly spend enough time with each.  Well, this concerned is misplaced.  Oh so wrong.  From the hours of around 7 am to 11 pm, my children are (and my husband HATES this phrase) "Up my butt and around the corner."  Do the math.  We homeschool.  I am with my children ALL the time.  My children get more one on one time than most only children do (well, if you are counting that one on one time with the actual parent and not a stand in) What you should be concerned with is the lack of one on one time I have with myself.  I have a strictly platonic, but very satisfying relationship with myself, that is sorely neglected most days.  But once my children start raising each other (or we break down and get a wolf) I am confident this will correct itself.

5.'re just like that family on TV, you know, with the 23 kids. On what freakin planet is 7 the same as 23 (yeah, I know, the number was wrong, but when you're dealing with this level of stupidty, correction only confuses people more)  My hair is so not like that lady on TV, and my God really?  Spend five minutes in my prescence. You will know how not alike we are.  I am not downing that-family-on-TV, I'm really not, but comparing us with them is just downright stupid.  Since this comment was made at a yard sale thing, I kind of wanted to gather up $19 worth of random crap and hand the lady $6 and then argue, but it's JUST LIKE $19!!!  I have a sneaking suspicion the connection wouldn't have been made without a detailed explanation and then it wouldn't have been funny.  If she had better stuff, I might have tried it on principle, but I just didn't need wicker at that particular moment, so my comeback was a total wash.

4. So what does Melissa think? (About Octomom, day the news story broke.  Friend got asked by her friend, that I don't know, what I thought about this lady.)  Because having 6 children (at the time) with my husband, over the course of 13 years (at the time) was the exact same thing as this unmarried, mother of 6, having EIGHT MORE children grown in a petri-dish and implanted into her uterus????  I might be a little on the touched side, but I am in no way the Ambassador of Bat Shit Crazy.  Dude, where is the connection here?  I'm concerned, really I am, that anyone's first thought when seeing such a crazy story, was, well, me.  I don't even have a good comeback.  This is one of those times when a super silent stare down, a little wide-eyed, with the person is the only way to reply.  But since I didn't have any face time with this person, I got nothing. Just nothing.  I have no words.

3. So are you done? Okay, I'll concede that this is a somewhat reasonable question, sometimes.  But when you break it down, think about what this person is asking.  As my friend Shawndra says "Let's bottom line it..."  They are asking "Are you going to get either your fallopian tubes or your husband's male counterparts cut so that you are infertile from here on out?"  And the answer is: Nonya.  None of your business.  Unless you personally have a vested interest in the status of my girly bits, or are somehow supporting my family financially, why do you need this information?  I have never once gone up to a couple with one or two children and asked them if they've had their fertility removed and given a high five, although some days, like when Noah has made me start questioning my beliefs in the afterlife and reincarnation (I swear Evil Knevil is back in the body of a tow headed toddler), I do kind of consider it.  The whole high five thing, not the sterilization. 

2. Well you know, after a few kids, you know....your uhm, you know, girly bits, you know, get a little worn out and you might, you know, leak urine, or have trouble in other ways, you know....
Apparently, from the hyperuse of "you know" I should actually KNOW that having had 8 children exit through that specific area... that it would be all worn out and stretched out and not be able to hold my bladder or something like that.  I just have one word for the masses: Kegals.  Do 'em girls.  Your husband will thank you.  You will thank you.  I've been told by a professional (dude, gross, like a MEDICAL professional) that my anatomy is quite intact and bounces back as if I'd never had children in the first place.  I might have a serious aversion to exercise, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

1. Are they all yours? So most days, I just say yeah, they are and go about my business, but I do allow myself fantasies of what I'd like to say instead. Thinkgs like:

"The boys are. The girls we adopted from China." (Funny because they all look cloned. No trace of ethinc feature to be found. I love the confused look this results in)


" know that commune...the one on TV the feds busted up? We really wanted to keep the sibling group together when we adopted them, but we only had room for 7, but we do get together with the other 25 children regularly so they do get to see their brothers and sisters...."


"DUDE!! No way, they are like totally wedding gifts!!" Start tapping each child as they fit the "Something Old, Something New" (oldest and youngest child), "Something Borrowed" (this is really helpful when you are having one of those days with one of your children where you kind of DO wish they were borrowed.  An active fantasy life has helped a great many mothers cope some days) and "Something Blue" (chances are at least one kid in the bunch will be wearing something blue, but if not, you can make them look all sad and maybe, just maybe the asker will get the joke, maybe not, but you will).

or, if you really are in a mood and you know, want to really mess with people...

"What kids?" 

And walk out like you don't even realize they are there.  Don't worry, the kids will follow.  By this time, they'll be totally onto what you are doing and will gladly play along.  Well, if you've raised them right.

And there you have my Top Ten.  Read. Laugh. Repeat.

1 comment:

  1. LOL! You could always look at them and whisper, "Have you ever heard of...Clone Club?" and then give them a very serious look with wide eyes and nodding your head very slowly, put your finger to your lips and walk away.