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Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The Mother of Invention

There's something kind of cool about being a mom over a couple decades rather than having them all squeezed into a minute time frame.  It's like every few years all the parenting tools get re-vamped and the baby-stuff-engineers come up with all new ways to get your child through that tumultuous babyhood phase.  Just walk into any Baby Superstore and you'll see what I'm talking about.  When I had Kyle in 1998 they just had your standard baby swing that went back and forth, front to back, although they had improved upon the wind-up mechanism thing and instead decided batteries that needed changed every couple hours was better than waking up the baby to wind the thing back up.  Now, we have battery operated swings that can go back and forth, or side to side.  We have bouncy seats that vibrate, seats that take the not-quite-ready-to-sit-up baby and prop them up well before their head is ready for that position and all sorts of other goodies to make parenting a small child, easier, better, faster.

But, as an expert in the field of mothering (I recently got my PhD), I have to say there are still many, many convenience items left to invent and market and based on my experiences in this realm, I have a few suggestions:

1. The Anti-Teenage Pregnancy Modification Device- Upon reaching puberty, all teenagers would recieve a "shot" that would implant a chip into their person to monitor rising levels of hormone and at the appropriate time, like leaning in for a forbidden kiss, their body would put of a scent, ala skunk, combined with a rather loud, reverberating flatulence sound.  This would deter teenagers from even trying that shiz.  This would be on a time-release sort of deal, fading as they aged, as appropriate.  It would only take one time trying to manuever around this mechanism for them to never, ever try it again.

2. The Baby Butt Genie.  Alright people, we now have, on the market, a LITTER BOX that cleans up after a cat, washing it's waste products away into the septic tank or sewer system and we haven't applied that same technology to BABIES?  Why?  I definitley think when compared to a baby's nasty diaper, cat waste is way lower on the todem pole.  So you could have this device that looks very similar to one of those stationary walker things.  Put baby's butt in, it gets the diaper removed, it's tush sprayed off, and in the same vein at the "Cat Genie", it gets washed away with the rest of the household wastewater.  We do have the "Diaper Genie" but it is in no way, shape or form as cool as the "Cat Genie."  I personally believe quality of life with a baby would be much improved if you didn't have to be so hands on when it came to...well....poo....

3. The Marco-Polo Electronic Monitoring Device- Seriously this is a must have for parents with toddlers.  This chip would be self-sticking to any object that your child likes to "play" with.  For me, this would be my cell phone.  The premise is simple.  Can't find that object?  Scream, as loudly as possible, "MARCOOOOOO" and the object would holler back "POLOOOOO"  This could also come in handy after a long day of Dora, and Blue and toddler babble when an adult voice "talking" back to you is music to your ears. 

4. Webinator 2000- This would be mistaken for your standard Hot Momma fashion accessory, coming a vibrant range of colors and patterns (including animal print)  But oh, no, no,'s not just another pretty bracelet.  It's actually a net throwing device ala Spiderman.  One flick of the wrist and that toddler that will NOT listen after 17 admonitions to get down from that thing gets netted.  Pinned.  To the GROUND.  Humane and effective. 

5. Book incinerator.  Yes, this would be a parenting tool. It would be for every stupid book written by every stupid "expert" telling you how to raise your child.  You know what I'm talking about. Every few years, there's a new and improved way to parent a species that's been on this planet for a really long time.  What did we do without these genius people directing us on what to do with the miniature humans???  Oh yeah, we followed our instincts.  Parenting books, while helpful sometimes (mostly for humor) can really suck.  They must not be trusted.  Throwing them away does not provide the level of satistfaction that burning it's stupid ass does.  Trust me.  Light em up.  And go on your merry way. 

Our development engineers have a few more prototypes that are looking quite promising, but not quite ready for review yet.  As lead technologist, I will say I'm really excited about what will be on the market for future babies joining our team.  Although I will say, as we advance in understanding, it becomes more clear that gadgets aren't truly necessary when one or two loving adult models are present and accounted for, but we haven't quite figured out how to duplicate that yet, so this secret is under wraps.  For now.  Once it can be mass-produced, battery operated and sold for 17 times it's production costs, we will be marketing this one hard core. 

Coming soon to a store near you.....

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